The Last Time
by TheAnaGrace
Summary: A take on what happens after the finale, when April thinks Jackson has feelings for Maggie.
1. the last time

Hey guys! Haven't written a fic in a while but the finale was crap so here's my take on what could happen next.

...

April sits in her car, places both hands on the steering wheel and takes a deep breath. Then, taking a glance at the review mirror, she sees her daughter sleeping peacefully in the backseat. It's been a long day, with the fire and Stephanie getting hurt, trying to be in charge of triage and of course that moment when her world fell apart. _"He likes you. He has feelings for you."_ She closes her eyes as if she's trying to forget that memory, but she can't move on. Every time she blinks she goes back to that instant, when Jackson and Maggie's eyes met. The tenderness she saw in that stare, the way her co-worker worried about him, the way she yelled at him, the way she held his hand, the way she kept touching it. She can't escape that moment as much as she tries to.

It's already late when she pulls up on the driveway that leads to their place. To _his_ place. Funny how they never got a place together, a true home. It's always been his apartment, his house… never truly their _home_. Taking a sleepy Harriet out of the car, she feels the crispy air of the night. Exiting the car, she notices that the house is quiet, there are no lights turned on and for a second she thanks God no one's home. It's probably for the best that Jackson hasn't arrived yet because she's been doing her best to avoid him all day and has succeed so far.

Inside, she turns the living room light on so she doesn't step on anything before finding her way to Harriet's room. Placing the sleeping baby down on her crib with a kiss on her forehead, she makes her way to her own room.

Exhausted, she simply lets her body fall on the bed, above the cream duvet cover. Her whole body feels sore but she can't fall asleep. No, first she needs a shower to take all of the smoke out of her body, out of her lungs, out of her system. A shower at the end of a very long, hard day always makes things feel better, even if it's just for a short while.

So, after a couple of minutes of simply laying there facing the white ceiling above, staring at it with a complete blank face, April stands up. Raising her hands to her shirt, she pulls it off, folding her jeans and putting them to the side as well. Then, grabbing a soft pink towel from one of the drawers, she crosses the empty corridor that leads to the bathroom in her matching blue underwear.

Stepping into the shower, April leaves the bathroom door half open in case Harriet wakes up and cries. Standing there with her thoughts alone, she lets the water fall down on her body like a warm river washing every pain away. The flashbacks of the previous night never leave her mind, though. " _He's the kind of guy who runs into a fire apparently_." Jackson has always been a good man, with standards and values and a terrible sense of justice that goes beyond him. He likes to help others even when it means that he can get hurt. He doesn't walk away from a person in need of help. He just doesn't quit until he knows the person is going to be fine. He's been her greatest supporter and the best shoulder to cry on.

She thinks about the night he almost died trying to save a little girl trapped inside a burning bus. And she thinks about how she hated him for it. How she loved him for it too. How she thought she lost him for a very scary minute. How she never thought she'd be so happy to see him alive. The thought makes her go back to Matthew. They were still together when it happened. That was the night she realized she felt something different, something bigger, stronger for Jackson. Something she knew she felt all along. And she knew Matthew that night realized it too, but kept it to himself. She wondered about him now. How their life would be like had they stayed together. How his life must be like without her. And it's not that she ever regrets running away with Jackson, leaving Matthew behind. She only regrets the way she did it and how she never got the chance to apologize since he took off town without a word. Had she married him, she wouldn't have Harriet, her baby girl, she wouldn't have lived all the amazing things she lived with Jackson by her side and she wouldn't have experienced love in the highest form of all, because the truth is Jackson is the love of her life. She just isn't sure Jackson feels the same way now too.

When she saw their stares, by the gurney, she felt anger at first. But that feeling quickly turned into sadness that quickly turned into pain.

Turning off the water, April steps out of the shower and quickly dries herself. Then, she holds the soft pink towel against her, placing it around her back, wrapping herself in it and making sure it's tightly pulled across her body. She looks into the foggy mirror and sees a distorted image of herself. Her red hair completely wet, leaving small traits of water down her shoulders, her hazel eyes tired. How could a simple look destroy her completely? Yes, the look Jackson and Maggie shared destroyed her feelings or what was left of them.

They've been through so much and she promised herself she wouldn't let him hurt her anymore. Sure, she wasn't a saint either and they both said and did things that were wrong to each other. But this was too much. Especially after Montana and what happened there. He opened up to her like he would before, when they were best friends and it felt good to share a moment of peace and quiet in that hotel bed with him. Holding him like she did, listening to his heart beat fast closely against his chest, the way his fingers played with her skin. It felt like a daydream, except she wasn't dreaming at all. They haven't talked about it since but she was sure things would get better from that moment on.

How could she be so blind? Of course it was just sex to him. He was breaking down in hives and in that moment he found the perfect release in her. And she figured he had been spending way too much time with Maggie. It all made sense now.

Raising her hands to cover her eyes, she feels a hot burning feeling on her throat. She never imagined things could go like this. All she ever wanted was him, with her and their daughter, living in their perfect little bubble. Why did things have to be so hard? Why did things never go according to plan? Just… why?

Without even noticing, April feels the first couple tears coming out of her eyes. It's impossible not to cry when all those thoughts cross her unsettling mind. Feeling her knees start to crumble, she finds support by placing both hands in the sink in front of her. Her body breaks down as she sobs uncontrollably now. After everything that has happened, since Samuel's tragic death to their divorce, and all the times she let him in, only to watch him go again, losing him in the process over and over, aching, disappearing when he comes back, running away, hiding and trying all over again… it's been quite the roller-coaster but she feels exhausted. There's no fight left to be fought this time. She lost him once and for all and April saw it in his eyes last night.

Lost in her thoughts, she jumps when she feels a soft touch on her shoulder. "April? What-"

She turns around, but hides her face, lowering her now red eyes to the floor. "Oh, you're- here."

"You're crying? Why are you crying?"

"Oh, it's just… it's nothing." She shakes her head, crossing her arms closely against her chest, taking a defensive position. He places one hand under her chin, making her raise her face up to him. She doesn't look back, though. Instead, she takes a step back, only to find herself cornered against the sink. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're crying."

"I'm-"

"Is this because of what happened last night?" He asks and she wonders if he knows _she knows_ what's going on between him and Maggie. "Is this because of the fire? Because I went in to look for Edwards?"

She lets out a breath, using one hand to clean up her nose. "I-"

"You were scared, I know. But-" Resting his right hand on her naked arm, she feels his body closer. "I was fine. I'm okay. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

She opens her mouth, but no words come out. He always wears his best apologies, looks at her with his green eyes wide open and suddenly everything's better, but not this time. "Sure." She simply replies, feeling her throat hurt as she speaks quietly.

"I had to go look for Stephanie, you know. I left her with that guy and… I just felt so-"

"Guilty?" She raises her eyes for the first time, meeting his stare halfway.

"Yes." He nods.

"I guess you'd know how that feels like." She says, before storming out, leaving him behind, running to her room and shutting the door.

…

The next morning, he leaves for work before her. Leaving her a message on the breakfast table, Jackson lets her know he had to go earlier because they have an important board meeting to discuss the events. So, she gets herself ready to get outside and sets Harriet for the day as well. Looking at her baby, she thanks God for that miracle in her life and appreciates the fact that that little girl saved her life in more ways than one.

Arriving at the hospital, the first thing she does is drop Harriet at daycare and head down to the pit, her save heaven. In there, she's in charge, she's in control of the situation, she knows what to do and people trust her to do her job well.

The day goes on as usual until about lunch time, when she takes the elevator to go down to the cafeteria only to find Maggie in it. Stepping in, April doesn't say a word, trying her best not to make eye contact. It feels awkward and painful to be in the same place as the woman Jackson has real feelings for, but she's stronger than that. "Hmm… did you tell him?" April asks.

"I'm sorry?"

"Did you tell Jackson?" She asks again, this time turning her face slowly to the side, trying to see Maggie's reaction from the corner of her eyes.

"I didn't, because-" Maggie starts.

"You're waiting for him to tell you? About his feelings, right?"

"No! April-"

"It's okay. Honestly. It's… okay." She goes on, placing her hands on her lab coat pockets. "I waited too. And he did. He confessed his feelings for me… with the worst timing possible."

"I know." Maggie says, taking one step. "He told me he stopped your wedding."

"Oh, he did, huh?!" April shakes her head. "Then, I guess you should take the first step, because-"

"No, April… you don't understand." Maggie says. "He told me that, because he was worried about Stephanie. He told me why he was so worried about her. I mean, obviously because she was with that lunatic man, but mainly because he never forgave himself for what he did to her."

"What?"

"No, I mean… he told me that he felt sorry for what he did to her… with you." The confused look on April's face raised a red flag. "No, I'm not making myself clear. When he stole you-"

"Stole me?"

"From the wedding. I mean, not _stole_ you but…"

"So he told you he felt sorry for what he did… with me?"

"No, April-" Maggie says, shaking her head. "That's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say it that we talked about you right before the alarms went off. We were talking about that crazy man and Stephanie and why he needed to make sure she was okay."

"Because he feels sorry for ruining things with her by getting married to me?"

"No… April. That's not-" The elevator doors open in that moment and April makes a move to step outside, but Maggie blocks the doors before they close. "Will you just listen?"

"What?"

"He doesn't have feelings for me!"

"I saw it. I saw his eyes on you. I saw the way he looked at you and trust me when I tell you that that look… it means something!" April says, almost yelling. "I've felt that look. He's looked at me like that before and trust me… I know."

"You don't!"

"I do! I know what I saw. And you like him too and couldn't make it any less obvious." April sighs. "And he obviously likes you too. He likes spending time with you. He likes talking to you, apparently. He- We are obviously not together anymore so… there's your chance." And with that, she turns around and leaves, barely walking, more like running, hiding inside a supply closet.

...

AN: Not that long, but this is just the beginning. I hope you guys liked the first chapter even thought I focused a lot on feelings and thoughts and stuff. I promise the next chapter will have japril interaction. Sorry for any mistakes you might find, but english is not my first language! And I hope you liked this. If you did please please leave a review!

Thank you.

Love, Annie.


	2. sad beautiful tragic

_The night of the fire_

" _You made up a good story about a patient. Every one of us has done that."_ Jackson says, staring blankly ahead. "I liked your version a lot better than the real one." They stay in silence for a couple of minutes, before he shakes his head and speaks again. "Now Stephanie is missing and I can't find her."

"It's not your fault, Jackson." Maggie tells him. "These things happen. It's a big hospital. They will find her and she's gonna be okay… she's just fine!"

"I can't help but to feel responsible. I mean... I just-" He says. "I just feel bad, you know. Especially after everything that's happened between us."

"Between you and Edwards?"

"Hmm- yes." He nods, … on the gurney. "I dated her for a while. After April and I broke up… I mean, broke up for the first time."

"Oh… I didn't know that."

"It's a long story. I don't usually talk about it." He tells Maggie, moving one hand to the back of his head, to scratch it. He doesn't' like talking about the past, but he's comfortable enough with Maggie to tell her what happened. "I don't know if you've heard but April was engaged when we took off and got married."

"What do you mean, engaged?" She asks, confused. "April was engaged? To another man?"

"Yeah. Matthew. He was a paramedic." Jackson replies, giving Maggie a reluctant smile, watching her expression change with this brand new piece of information. "We were best friends for a while. Then we started dating and everything was fine. Almost fine." He goes on, thinking about how dating wasn't quite the word since they never got the chance to label their relationship before it all went to hell. "We broke up, eventually…. Well, I broke up with her for the most stupid reason. That's when I started seeing Stephanie."

"Oh wow. I had no idea you two got history."

"Yeah. And I know it's wrong to say this, but Stephanie was… rebound, at first. Then April started dating this guy and he was nice to her, he was a Christian, they shared the same values and I just… I wanted her to be happy and I think she was happy with him. He was good to her, you know. He was actually perfect for her. They… technically belonged together." He says, licking his lips and thinking about how it all seemed to life a distant memory. "I kept telling myself I didn't want her, that April was better without me, that I didn't love her anymore, that my feelings were gone, but then-"

"Then?"

"Then he freaking proposes to her in the most ridiculous way." Jackson says, remembering the awkward flash mob and the way April smiled at him when she hugged Matthew right after he put an engagement ring on her finger. "I realized I still had feelings for her. I've always had."

"What happened next?" Maggie asks when he takes a few minutes in silence.

He moves eyes to the floor, thinks about his mentor, Mark Sloan, and the last piece of advice he gave him before he passed away and with a smile Jackson says in a low tone " _If you love someone, you tell them."_ Mark made him promise him that. Even if it scared him, even if it wasn't the right thing to do, even if it'll cause problems. "Say it loud and go from there."

"What?"

"I stood up." Jackson replies. "I literally stood up and I told April I loved her. During her wedding. Right before they exchanged their vows."

"Oh God!"

"Stephanie was still technically my girlfriend at the time. She was actually sitting next to me when April and I ran away from the wedding."

"So you stole Kepner from her wedding?"

"Guess you can say that. Kind. Well, I told her I loved her. She took my hand and we ran away. We decided to get married on the side of the road on the run, got to Lake Tahoe in less than thirteen hours and got married the next day." He tells her. The shock in Maggie's face is priceless. "I apologized to Stephanie later, but I will never forgive myself if anything ever happens to her."

"But… hold on a moment!" Maggie stops him, raising her left hand, leaving it hanging in the air. "You and April ran away from her wedding, eloped and got married just like that?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Wow!" She lets out a deep breath, still taking every little detail of his story in. "I had no idea!"

"Believe me, it wasn't easy the first couple weeks after we came back. I mean, the gossip in this hospital... It was crazy. And we were crazy for each other." He says, looking at Maggie with sadness written all over his eyes. He missed those happier times, when everything was fine, when there was no pain, no suffering. When they were simply young and in love. When the world felt right. God, it seemed like lifetime ago. "It doesn't matter now."

"How come?"

"We've been through so much."

"But you still love her. I know you do." Maggie says, placing one hand on his shoulder, tapping it gently. "I can tell by the way you look at her. I'd give anything to have someone look at me the way you look at her. You love her, Jackson."

Jackson looks at his hands, resting on his lap, thinking how she's completely right. "We keep trying to make things work, but-"

"So try harder!" Maggie tells him, moving her face, trying to catch his eyes, unsuccessfully. "Jackson, not everyone is lucky enough to find a soulmate. You've found yours already. Don't let it go to waste."

"Easier said than done." He says, rolling his eyes.

"Well, have you at least said it?" She asks him, making him look at her for the first time. "Have you told her you still love her?"

He gulps, there's a sinking feeling in his stomach, and he can't say anything at all.

"Well, you should follow your own advice and stand up this time, too." She smiles. "And I'm pretty much your sister, so you have to listen to me!"

And before he can say anything, the alarms go off.

…

After the encounter with Maggie in the elevator, April runs to the nearest supply closet. She doesn't want to see anyone, not like this. Collecting her thoughts, she shuts the door and places both of her hands on it. Then, taking a deep breath, she shivers, barely hanging there, doing her best not to cry.

"Kepner?"

She suddenly hears Alex's voice coming from behind her. Without turning away, she moves her hands through her hair, fixing it quickly, trying to compose herself. "Hmm. Yes?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Totally fine." She says, after clearing her throat and moving on her feet. Facing him she sees he's staring at her, concerned, probably noticing her tearful eyes even in the darkness of the room.

"Are you sure everything's okay? You don't seem okay."

"Oh, it's nothing. Really, Alex."

"Sure."

"Want some help?" She asks.

"No. I'm fine. Just looking for some-" He goes on, turning to the shelve beside him, scanning his eyes through the compartments, searching for whatever he is looking for. "There's this patient who came in with his mom. Two year old. He fell off the porch, nothing broken, but you know how things work with kids."

"Yeah, I know."

"And the kid's mom… well, she's a single mom so it's double the worry on her behalf." Alex says, moving material on the shelves, obviously not finding whatever brought him to the supply closet. "Then the dad came in. They started fighting, blaming one another for the kid falling off. The typical mess."

"I know…"

"Of course the dad had to bring his new girlfriend. The mom is not happy about it either. So, now who has to deal with all that mess? Me." Alex says, continuing to search, now in plastic drawers. "But I get her. When one person doesn't move on, it's hard. There's feeling and kids involved and everyone just gets hurt. It's just easier to move on, but… we both know things don't exactly work that way. Right?!" April stands there, not daring to move or reply, just listening to Alex rant away. "Haha! Finally" He stops, holding a piece of gauze in his left hand. Then, moving again to face April, he shrugs. "Glad you and Avery worked things out for the sake of your baby."

"What do you mean?"

"You live together, you co-parent." He goes on, raising his index finger up to her. "By the way, have you seen Avery?"

"No. Why?"

"The kid scratched his face. Could use a consult."

"I haven't seen him. Sorry."

"Okay. Well, I'm gonna go now. If you see him tell him to come meet me."

"Sure."

He nods, passing by her, who takes a step back and allows him to reach the door. But before he opens it, Alex turns around again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Hmm… yeah. I guess."

"Things between Avery and you… you're fine?"

"Why do you ask?"

But before he can speak another word, the door bursts open. Jackson stands there, confused to see the two of them in the closet, with the light turned off. "Hey. What's going on?"

"Nothing." April quickly replies, immediately looking the other way, avoiding his eyes.

"Avery, come with me. I've got a kid who needs a consult."

"Sure, I'll be right after." Jackson says. Then, still with the hand on the door knob, he turns to April. "April, by the way, what time are you leaving work today?"

"I don't know. I'm covering the pit this afternoon." She replies, crossing her arms against her chest.

"Okay. Well, I leave at five so I'm gonna take Harriet with me, go grocery shopping, then head home. Is that okay?"

"Fine."

"Great." He nods once, giving her a quick smile. April simply smiles back, not knowing what else to do. "So, I'll see you later?"

"Yes. At home."

…

Harriet is usually a nice baby, she's not much for throwing tantrums or anything. She's a pretty happy girl. Except when she needs to go to sleep and her mommy isn't there to feed her. The bottle is not exactly her best friend. So, she's now, a quarter past seven, she's tired and has been crying of the past thirty nonstop.

After texting April earlier, Jackson found out she's getting home a little later than excepted because of a last minute emergency. So, now all alone with Harriet he tries his best to calm the child down and put her down to sleep. Like her mother, she's stubborn as hell and to make things worse, he lost her pinky and can't find it anywhere.

"Harriet, please." He says, with the crying child in his arms, patting her back gently. "Daddy needs you calm down. Mommy should be home soon, but-" Nothing seems to work. He'd try singing but he's not the best singer in the world and he might even be too shy to try. The pinky was truly his last resort. He passes back and forth down the small nursery with Harriet in his arms. Then something hits him. Perhaps April keeps one in her bedroom, she's always on top of everything so she must have a spare one. Not waiting another minute, he hurries. Opening the door and turning on the bedroom light, he notices how the clean and tidy the room is. There are a few clothes on top of a chair, in the corner, and her boots are by the side of the door, perfectly paired together. He walks in and finds the nightstand with a couple christian books on top of it next to a tender picture he took of April and Harriet still in the hospital, a day after after she was born. Sitting on the bed, he places the baby on his lap, telling her softly to calm down, that daddy was there. Then, slowly opening the first drawer of the nightstand, he looks inside. Reaching in, he sees a blue pacifier inside a plastic container to protect it. Taking another second to open it, he is relived when Harriet takes it right away, calming down instantly.

"There you go, baby." He says, kissing the top of his daughter's head. However, as he was about to close the drawer, he sees something inside of it that catches his attention.

Lost inside one of the corners of the drawer rests a single, very familiar ring. It's adorned with a big diamond and a few others all around the band. Jackson reaches out, taking it with a free hand and holding it above his eyes. It's April's engagement ring and he wonders what it's doing there.

When they divorced, he didn't want the ring back. It was hers. It was present he gave her and he would never consider taking it back. Sure, it felt strange watching her go around the hospital the first few days after without the stone in her finger, marking his territory, showing the world his love and affection towards her. But with time he got used to it, just as he got used to having his own finger completely free, without his own wedding band. He eventually completely forgot about it, right until now. After the divorce he never asked her what she did with it, but it turns out she kept it all along. It was in her nightstand, out of the box and he wondered if she had been wearing it after work, or maybe just looking at it recently.

He remembers going into the best jewelry story in Seattle and choosing that exact ring to his wife. Because he didn't have time to buy her one before they got married, he wanted to give her the most beautiful ring he could find. And he did. That was one amazing piece of jewelry and it made him the happiest man alive to watch her glow, wearing it with pride.

Jackson gave her the ring after a long day at work, when she came home exhausted and had a surprise planned for her. He had cooked dinner and set out a nice table with candles just for the two of them. Then, a little into the night, he took her down to the balcony, got down on one knee and told her he loved her, presenting the ring afterwards. He smiles at the memory and quickly realizes he would do the same exact thing now, if he had the chance. If he could, he would still bring himself down on one knee, tell her he loves her and wait for her to tell him she loves him too.

They were so happy back then. What happened? What led them here?

…

April has been sitting inside of her car for the past twenty minutes just evaluating everything. She sees the living room light on so she knows he is home and she can't hide inside the car for the rest of the night. She already knows how everything will go down. She will go inside, make small talk with him, tell him she's not that hungry, drag herself to the shower and call it a night. He'd probably put Harriet to sleep all by himself because it was already late and she'd thank him for it anyways.

Things had been awkward and she has been fearing going home exactly because of that. Confrontation has never been her strongest personality trace and she recognizes it. Plus, they were never the best when it came to communicating. The lack of it always brought them trouble, has always been the reason for most misunderstandings between them.

The song that plays softly on the radio brings her back to the moment. "If you love her let her go…" The singer says in a mellow tone, making it even harder to breathe, the walls of the car so thin around her, she can feel the emptiness of her heart scream louder that the tune playing on repeat. "… My love goes free."

Perhaps it was for the best if she did let him go free. Their living situation wasn't perfect. They were both trapped inside this house, coming home to each other every night, but not really… not at all. Because they didn't belong together anymore. She wasn't his and he wasn't hers. They were just two people fighting their feelings, covering them with a fake normality they will never truly find like this. Plus, if he is indeed developing feelings for another woman, it is only unfair if she keeps living in his place. He needs the freedom to make his own choices without her under the same roof, possibly feeling guilty about them. He is an amazing man who deserves the world and beyond and someone who makes him as happy as he once made her. He deserve to find happiness after everything he went through. He deserves it all and she's not that selfish. She realizes it's time to move on, even it hurts like hell, even if it maybe feel wrong, even if it breaks her completely.

"… My love goes free." The singer on the radio hits those final notes and she decides it's time to _go._

…

When she enters, she feels the warmness of the room in contrast with the cold night outside. Taking her jacket off, she asks for his name. Without an answer, she moves along the hall, finding her way to Harriet's room. Opening the wooden door, she finds Jackson with a dim light sitting on a rocking chair, with the baby on his chest. He is softly caressing her back with one hand as she sleeps quietly. The tenderness of the moment makes April smile.

Jackson, feeling her presence in the room, opens his eyes and smiles back. "You're home."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"No, it's fine. I wasn't sleeping." He retorts, carefully moving on the chair. "She wore me off tonight. You weren't here to put her down and she wasn't happy about it."

"Last minute surgery…"

"I know. I guess she just misses her mother." Slowly standing up, Jackson places Harriet on her crib and April comes forward, helping him in the process. Adjusting the sheet to cover her daughter's body, April kisses softly on her rosy cheek and follows Jackson outside the room.

"Long day?" He asks, but she simply nods, making her way to the living room. "We had a board meeting first thing in the morning about the fire and you know Minnick got fired too-"

"Yeah, I know." She cuts him off, thinking about how this small talk conversation was already too long. "Look, Jackson I think I'm gonna head into bed. Okay?"

"Oh… sure. I mean…" He stops, places his hands inside of his jean pockets and shrugs. "We haven't talked about yesterday."

"What's there to talk about?"

"You were crying. I was worried."

"You don't have to worry about me, Jackson. Actually, I think it's time you stop worrying about me." She says, harshly. Then, turning on her feet, she starts to walk away from him. However, he stops her from taking another step, by grabbing her hand, turning her around and making her face him.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me." April lies, quickly taking her hands from his and crossing her arms around her chest.

"You've been distant, cold. You barely talk to me. You-"

"I'm fine, Jackson."

"Then why were you crying in the bathroom yesterday? Why were you hiding in the supply closet today?"

She wonders how he knows she was trying to hide, but she figures Karev must've told him something regarding to that. "I said I was fine. I'm fine. You stop worrying about me, or my feelings or whatever." She snaps at him. "I'm tired, I want to go to bed and then tomorrow we can talk."

"We aren't going to talk tomorrow or the day before that or ever… because this is what happens all the time."

"What are you talking about?"

"This. Us, not talking." Jackson says, his tone rising. "We don't talk. Actually no, we only talk when you want to talk, we only do things the way you want to do them."

"What?"

"Tell me I'm wrong."

"Don't be unfair." She says, taking a step back, wanting to remove from the conversation once again.

"See? This is what you do. You don't wanna talk, you turn your back on me. Every damn time. I just don't understand. We were good, after Montana, we were working things out." Jackson retorts, making her stop, uncross her arms and take a step towards him. "

"Were we, though?" She goes on, the range in her tone palpable. "Are you not going to tell it was just emergency sex to you?"

"What?"

"I know you, Jackson. I know you all too well."

"If you knew me you'd know I would never use as emergency sex." He says, moving closer, noticing how she doesn't take a step back this time. "You'd know that!"

"Well, you don't have to pretend anymore."

"Pretend what?"

"That you're fine with this, with us like this."

"I'm not pretending. I'm obviously not happy with it, with any of it. I don't like arguing with you."

"You know I'm not talking about that."

"Then what are you talking about?"

He feels his heart race inside his chest, licking his lips, he stares right into her hazel eyes. They have a fire in them he hasn't seen in too long. Something has sparked in her, the fighting perhaps. Even though he hated fighting with her.

Their faces only inches away as he begins to move one arm under her back, trying to pull her closer and feel the sweet taste of her lips intoxicate him completely.

"Jackson…" April starts, closing her eyes and whispering. "I will always love you. Always. But I think it's time for me to move out." She says, letting him go. "To try and move on."

"What?" He is snapped out of his haze.

"What we had was so special, so beautiful, but-" April replies, letting her arms fall down beside her, almost in despair. "But we can't fix us. I have no strength left in me to fight. So, for you, I give up. For _you_ , because I want you to be happy."

"I don't understand, April. I don't want you to move out."

"You don't want to, because you're a great father, Jackson. Because you want to be close to your daughter and I applaud you for that, but it's time." She says, stepping away, turning her back to him once again. "I can't hold back you any longer."

"Who says you're holding me back? April, what we had was-"

"Amazing."

"Yes and-"

"And you'll always be my best friend, Jackson, my first love, my first everything, but you've got your demons and they all look like me." She says, her throat hurting, tears forming in her eyes. "And I'm still trying to find myself after what happened to us. But I don't think I can do that… I don't think I can keep doing this."

"This?"

"This. All the fighting and the break downs, the silence and the distance. The kiss and make up, trying to fix us, giving up, hoping and doing it all over again. It's taking all the life out of me. And you! And I don't want this for any of us."

"So you're saying you don't want me anymore?"

"I'm saying it's the best if we don't live together, if we just… quit trying once and for all."

"Could you just try and listen to yourself?" He shakes his head, shrugs and realizes it's not worth it. "It's useless."

"Where are you going?"

"I need some air." He says, finally reaching for the door. If she could run the shots and decide when to talk or stop arguing, so could he. "Oh, I found this, by the way." He says, reaching inside his pocket and showing her the engagement ring he found earlier in her drawer. "It's yours anyways, you can have it." Jackson says, letting it drop on the floor.

With that, he was gone.

…

She lies in her bed wide awake, wondering where he is, because it's past midnight and he hasn't come home yet. Grabbing her phone for the thousand time, it takes everything in her not to call him.

On the other side of town, he pulls his car by Meredith's door and makes a quick run to her porch since it's pouring raining now. After ringing, he waits for someone to come to the door. He's confused and just needs to someone who will listen.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Can I talk to you? I need to talk to someone."

"Sure." Maggie says, opening the door to let him in.

...

AN: First of all I want to thank every single one of you for all the amazing reviews! Thank you sooo much. Your reviews and opinions mean so much to me.

I hope you like this chapter and if you did, please leave a review!

Sorry for the mistakes you might find, but english is not my first language.

Again, thank you so much. More to come soon.

Love, Annie.


	3. wildest dreams

The next morning, April wakes earlier than usual with the first rays of light blinding her as she tries to open her eyes. Turning to the side, she finds her phone on the pillow next to her and regrets leaving the curtains open, considering today's Saturday and she could've enjoyed a few more minutes in bed, asleep. The night before is kind of a blur, slowly coming to mind. They fought and it wasn't pretty as it usually wasn't and they shared the same arguments as they always did. She knows fighting isn't the answer and what she told him last night about probably moving out still stands today.

She doesn't know where he spent the rest of the night, after he left. But she worried about him until she eventually fell asleep. In fact, she doesn't even know if he's home or not, if he spent the night elsewhere and for a second, she prayed to God he didn't.

Sitting on the bed, after adjusting the pillows on her back, she crosses her legs and holds her hands together, closing her eyes for her morning prayed. It's something she got used to do when she was younger, to say grace and be thankful to God for the peaceful night He had given her, for all the beautiful things in her life, for her _family_.

Funny how she sees them as a family when in fact they really aren't. Jackson and her aren't married anymore and the only thing bonding them together is their baby girl. And she promised that for the sake of that little girl, she'd move mountains to make it work out with him. Harriet deserves to have both a mother and a father, that even though aren't together anymore as a couple, need to join forces and become the best parents they can be for her.

Staying with Jackson for the first months of Harriet's life turned out to be the best arrangement, especially with their crazy schedules. Now that she's planning on moving out, they'd have to figure out how to make it work. She already knew Jackson was against the idea of her moving out of his house, but she wasn't comfortable with just the thought of him having someone new in his life, nevertheless staying behind to actually watch it happen.

Opening her eyes after a couple minutes in silence, she puts her feet on the ground, raises her arms above her hand and stretches her back with laziness. Then, quickly getting up, April moves as grabs her pink robe on the way out. Going into the bathroom, she passes by Jackson's bedroom. Everything is silent, no sound coming from it. And even though stops and places one hand on the door, to check out and see if he's sleeping there, she doesn't. Instead, she decided it's for the best to go wash her face, fix her hair and grab Harriet – who should be waking up soon – to have breakfast.

Things weren't going to be easy when she'd have to face him again, not after he found her old engagement ring, kept it and threw it away just as he turned his back on her the night before. She had no clue how he found or why, but he didn't really have to know why she kept it inside her nightstand drawer just like that. It was still going to be awkward.

Inside the bathroom, she looks in the mirror. By the sink, April opens the tap and lets the cold water run through her open hands, splashing some on her face. Looking up again, she notices the dark circles under her eyes. They can't fool anyone. She spent the whole night worrying, didn't sleep well and it was pretty visible for everyone to see. She's not the young girl she once used to be, her pale skin showed the signs of age and well… pain. The last couple years had been tough. So much that she feels like she aged ten years in that short amount of space. She feels different, not only emotionally but also physically. And even though she always told herself age wasn't going to be an issue, it gets hard not to think about it when she looks in the mirror and notices all the different aspects on her face and body. Don't get it wrong, she loves her body, even the scar left on her stomach from when Ben had to cut her open and deliver Harriet right there and then. Actually, she loves her scar, because it represents love. It's a sign of her persistence, a reminder of the miracle she experienced.

She knows Jackson isn't getting younger either, but things are easier for men. Sure, he let himself go a little over the past couple years, he doesn't go to the gym as often or have his defined abs anymore. And she knows that when he is truly sad, he lets his beard grow free, which takes part of his charm away. But his eyes and his freckles, they still bring her to her knees.

They blew every chance they had to make things right and now that she thinks about it, she realizes that she will never have the family she once dreamed she would have. The three kids, the perfect house with the huge backyard, the dog…

She'd love to have more children, though. She loves being a mom to Harriet and can totally see herself having more kids, Harriet being a cute little big sister. However, it breaks her heart to think that she won't be having any more children with Jackson. Actually, it breaks her heart to think that she won't be having any more children at all. She isn't getting younger and good men aren't hanging in trees. Jackson, on the other hand, will probably find someone new, younger, and he will have the chance to do it all over again, to start a brand new family.

After grabbing the towel next to the sink and cleaning her face, April runs a brush through her messy red hair. Trying to look presentable so early in the morning can be a tough task sometimes, but she's going to face Jackson and she wants to slightly look good.

Then, she takes one last glance at the mirror before heading out of the bathroom, making her way to Harriet's room.

…

He opens his bedroom door thinking he's already late, because he overslept after hours and hours of going back to their argument the night before. Making a quick run to the kitchen, already dressed and ready to go, he smells the sweet aroma of freshly made coffee. April has her back to him when enters the kitchen, as she looks thoughtfully out the window with a mug of coffee in her hand. Harriet, playing with a toy, sits on her high chair with a bib around her neck, already fed. As soon as she sees him coming, she greets with a smile. "Hey, sweetheart." He says, noticing how the sound of his voice makes April turn around to face him.

"Morning." She says, holding the mug between her hands.

"Hey." Jackson replies, placing one tender kiss on top of Harriet's chubby cheek. "Someone's in a good mood!"

"She is." April says, with her lips pressed to the mug. "She slept the whole night… unlike others."

"What?"

"Nothing." She shakes her head, putting her coffee down and making a move to the cabinet. Grabbing a cleaned mug, she pours some of the hot coffee into it, reaching out to him with it in her hand. "I made you some coffee."

"Thank you?" He lifts up his face, giving her a suspicious look.

April nods, giving him a shy smile, as a white flag in the middle of a battle. "Sure", she says, feeling her stomach drop when she feels his hand slightly touch hers as he takes the coffee away from her.

He stares at her, in silence for a couple of minutes, thinking about things could be so easy if they were always like this. It was the perfect morning, the baby happily with them and April standing there, offering freshly made coffee, in her pajamas. Wait. She's in her pajamas still. Sure, those purple shorts and tank top, covered by the open in half robe looks amazing on her. Especially considering her legs are her best asset, but it's already getting late and she's not ready yet.

"Are you getting to work later today?" Jackson asks, taking another sip of the coffee.

"Hmm no, considering today's Saturday and I've got the day off."

"Saturday?" He shakes his head, putting the mug down. "April, today's Friday."

"What?"

"Yes. Friday."

"Wait… hold on." She grabs her phone, sitting on the counter, and checks out the date. Friday. 8.11 am. "Crap."

He finds it funny when she freaks out. Being late isn't her _thing_ , she hates it. Running to her room, Jackson picks up Harriet from her chair, gives her another peck on the cheek and whispers into her ear "Mommy's late!" Then, walking into the living room, with Harriet on one side and the coffee mug in his free hand, he follows her steps. No, he isn't going to take a peek on her while she gets dressed, but it's instinct to go after her. "Wait, did you forget about the thing we had tonight too?" Jackson asks, approaching her door.

"What thing?" April replies, coming to the door.

"The Mercy West Reunion thing?" Her puzzled face speaks the answer. "Two weeks ago you set me for it and now you forgot."

"The reunion." She raises one hand and hits it on her forehead. "I completely forgot about that. Is it tonight?"

"Yes."

"I've had so many things in my mind lately, I completely forgot."

"You made the confirmation."

"Yes, I know I did." About three weeks ago, when they were in better terms, they received an email of an old intern they used to work with back in Mercy West. There was going to be a reunion with old friends and co-workers and of course the both of them were invited. Reluctantly, they both decided to go and made the confirmation about two weeks ago. It was supposed to be a nice dinner with old friends, but now she has no willing to go. "And we already talked to Arizona, didn't we? She's gonna take Harriet by 7pm, the dinner's at 8pm."

"We can cancel." Jackson says, taking another sip of his drink. "I mean… I'm fine with not going."

"No, no. I know you want to go." April says. "I'm just not in the mood."

"I'm not either."

"So?"

"So we can decide later."

"Okay." April, agrees. "I'm gonna get dressed now."

…

The morning's been chaotic, as usual, and when she found fifteen minutes to grab lunch, April didn't hesitate. Sitting alone on a table, she looks across the room, observing people in a frustrated attempt to keep her mind busy of her own life with someone else's problems. It's useless and to make things worse she sees Maggie entering the cafeteria, scanning the room with her big brown eyes wide open. As soon as she sees April, she quickly crosses the room, moving between people sitting in their respective table. April moves her eyes down to the food in front of her when their stares meet, playing with her fork and the pees in the plate, pretending to not have noticed her presence. She considers getting up and leaving, but it's too late. Maggie is already standing there. "April!" She says, before placing her own tray on the table and taking a seat next to her. April raises her eyes, giving her a small smile, before dropping the fork on the plate. "I've been looking for you."

"I've been stuck in OR two all morning."

"Right. Have you seen Jackson?"

"Hmm…"

"No, it's just 'cause I thought you'd seen him already." Maggie goes on, reaching for the orange juice in front of her. "After our talk last night, I thought he'd talk to you."

April doesn't reply immediately. Instead, she tilts her head to the side, takes a second to think and realizes the words that actually came out of Maggie's mouth. "Last night? You were with Jackson last night."

Maggie nods. "Yes, he came over. It was late, but he needed to talk and-"

"Wait." April cuts her off, raising one open hand in the air. "You're telling me that you were with Jackson last night, that he went over your place."

"Yes. But-"

April stops listening. They had a fight and the first thing he does is run over to Maggie's. Once open a time, the person he would run to would be her, she was his best friend, his shoulder to cry on, his listener. Now, she's feels like a shadow, disappearing from his space, not making sense in it.

"April, listen."

"I really don't want to." She shakes her head, grabbing her tray and getting up from the table. Maggie stands up as well, yelling April's name in vein one last time before she leaves the room. In that moment, Jackson runs into April, bumping into her, but she doesn't turn her face to him. So, he goes and finds Maggie still by the table. "What was that about?"

"I don't know. Or maybe I do. I don't know." She shrugs. "You feeling better today?"

"Yeah, kinda. I don't know."

"Have you talked to April about what you told me last night?" He looks at her, shakes his head and takes a seat. Maggie follows. "You really should."

"I just… I don't know. I mean… I don't know what's wrong with April. One minute she seems fine, the other she snaps." He says. "This morning she made me coffee, like some sort of a peace offering."

"That would've been a good time to tell her about your feel-"

"I don't want to talk about my feelings." Jackson cuts her off.

"Why?" She asks. "Because they're messy, because you're scared."

"I'm not scared."

"Yes, you are. You're scared of losing the woman you love again." She says, wanting to force a reaction. "Because you love her, you told me that last night."

"I thought we were fine, April and I. I don't know what happened. I don't know…" He repeats himself. "Has she told you anything?"

"No!" Maggie quickly replies. She wants to clarify things with April before revealing to Jackson what April thinks she saw on the night of the fire. "But you need to talk to her, tonight."

"No. Tonight we've got a thing." He replies, placing his back against the chair and rolling his eyes. "A Mercy West reunion thing. I was planning on canceling."

"No! Don't cancel. April's going, right?" Maggie asks and Jackson nods. He believes she's still going. "Then you tell her. It's the perfect moment to tell her you love her."

"Yeah, I don't know about that." He says, placing both hands on the table and moving a movement to stand up, backing off the chair.

…

They dropped Harriet over Arizona's and by the time they both got home, they only got an hour to get ready for the reunion they were both so dreading to attend. The thought alone of having to spend the entire night in each other's company makes her feel uncomfortable, why they already planned on going and agreed to.

She's wearing a flattering a form fitting strapless cocktail black dress that hugs her body in all the right places and accentuates her cleavage. Her red hair is set in loose curls, her makeup simple, but just enough to give her some color. On her feet, a pair of simple but elegant black sandals that make her legs look longer than they are. She sprays a little bit of her favorite Dior perfume on the sides of her neck after grabbing a bit of lotion and spreading it across her naked arms. Looking in the bathroom mirror, April likes what she sees. Pleased, she grabs the last piece of detail missing, a golden necklace. Taking the necklace from the sink, she raises her arms above her head, trying to close it, safely. In that moment, Jackson knocks on the door, peeking in and asking if he can come in. She nods, allowing it. Not that they need to share a bathroom, considering he has one of his own in his bedroom. April glances over the mirror to look at him. He's looking as handsome as he can be, wearing a typical dark suit with a blue shirt and a simple tie. "Want some help with that?" He asks, watching as she struggles to get the necklace in place. Without waiting for an answer, Jackson moves behind her, taking the piece of jewelry off her hands and putting it in place. Then, moving his hands over her naked shoulders, he takes a moment to look at their reflection in the mirror and smiles. "You look really nice." He says, noticing the sweet aroma exhaling from her body.

"Thank you. So do you." She smiles back, thanking him, before turning around to face Jackson. "I like that shirt on you." April says, with her hands still over his neckline. "I know." He replies, knowing that she has always had a thing for him in blue colors. April can't hide her smile. Then, moving her own hands to his tie, she adjusts the piece of fabric and the collar of his blue shirt. He looks at her with the bluest eyes she has ever seen, they're glowing under the fluorescent light of the bathroom ceiling. And for a second everything feels normal again… until April's phone starts ringing and the moment is lost. Looking over the calling ID, she sees the name _Maggie Pierce_ in big letters, making her come back to the reality of things. "Who is it?" April hears Jackson ask. "No one." She says, before canceling the call and taking a deep breath. "We've got to go, right?"

He simply nods.

...

AN: Hey guys! First of all, thank you for all the lovely reviews. I appreciate every single one of them. So, there's a Mercy West Reunion coming up and I hope you guys stay there to read it 'cause it's gonna be a good one! :)

I hope you guys liked this chapter. If you did, leave a review!

Love, Annie.


	4. back to december

"You sure you don't wanna get that?"

Jackson breaks the silence in the car. She shakes her head no, canceling the call again and putting the phone inside her small clutch. "It's just someone trying to sell me... something." April's phone has been ringing since they left the house a few minutes ago. For some reason, Maggie Pierce keeps calling her. And, considering she's the last person April wants to think about tonight, she keeps ignoring it.

The car slows down as they reach a red light. With both hands on the steering wheel, Jackson takes a glance at her from the corner of his eyes. She's looking nervous and tense, he can tell, and he wonders if her mood is caused by his presence. They still haven't discussed the events of the past couple days and it sure seemed like they'd keep disregarding them completely. It was easier to do that. Especially tonight, where they'd already have to face the past for at least a couple of hours. He didn't like reunions, and wasn't completely sure why he agreed to come to this one. Mercy West seemed like an old useless memory in the back of his mind. It's been too long since he even though about the place, or the people he used to work with. Did he miss it? Not really. He didn't miss his old self either. The cocky, yet sometimes insecure intern that never in his life thought about getting married or having children. Back then, he only cared about his career, having frugal one night stands with pretty girls he'd meet randomly and prove his entire family wrong. He didn't believe love was a real thing, or that he would ever find a woman that could change his whole life and make him what he is today, a family oriented man. Yet, here he is, sitting in the car with the woman he once married sitting on the passenger seat, thinking about getting home later and missing his daughter already.

From the stop light, they continue straight ahead for two blocks, before turning onto 4th Avenue. As he drives that last one block to University Street, before turning to the right, Jackson wants to break the silence, but doesn't know how. He notices how April keeps her eyes on the road, not saying a word. She looks beautiful tonight, but her uneasy expression is something she can't hide. Could she be nervous about seeing her old colleagues too? Or was there something else keeping her mind busy.

"It's here." His voice brings back her attention when he stops the car and turns down the engine. Stepping outside, he hands the car keys to the valet to properly park it. As they make their way into the hotel, they cross a pair of big glass doors, make their way to the front desk and ask for some information. Then, they walk to the elevator, as someone presses the button that will lead them to the first floor. The reunion is at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel, located in the heart of downtown Seattle. When the elevator finally stops, they come face to face with at least a dozen people talking in front of the elegant room where dinner is taking place.

April stops for a second, when she feels Jackson's hand on her lower back when they enter the room. It's an exceptional ceremony site, with soaring ceilings, a floor-to-ceiling wall of windows, decorated with a collection of lavish, tropical plants and trees. The pastel color scheme of the room is completed with a opulent palette of cranberry, gold tones, contrasting, on the other hand, with blue accents. She's amazed by the place.

"I think that's our table." Jackson leans in and whispers in her ear, with his hand still set on her lower back. She nods, walking through the groups of people gathering around their own respective tables. Taking a quick look, she sees some familiar faces. Everyone looks so mature now, kind of different too. And she wonders if someone will recognize her after all this time.

"Want something to drink?"

She looks at Jackson from behind her shoulder and nods. "Sure." She says, realizing there's an open bar on the left side of the room. "I'll have the same as you."

He gives her a quick nod, before leaving her and stepping towards the bar. Alone, she finally reaches the table, finds both for her name and Jackson's on a little cardboard in front of her seat, and places her bag on the chair. The place is packed, full of people reuniting to reminisce about the past and talk about the future.

Jackson reaches the bar and asks for two Martinis. While he waits for the bartender, he looks across the room to look at April. She's standing there with her little black dress, feeling a little out of place. She wasn't the most popular girl back then, but people knew she was a good doctor and a good person. Somehow, he misses the innocent girl he once met, with her pink watch on her left wrist and her way of speaking so fast she could barely breathe. She never left a room without her little red notebook, where she took notes, unceasingly. She was always the first one to raise her hand and ask question. Always the first one to answer them too. She was always ready to help her neighbor, always there to pray for a patient in need of comfort. She's changed so much, for better. She's not shy anymore, she fights like a warrior and she never gives up. She's a force of nature, strong minded and decided to fight for what she knows it's right. She's an amazing surgeon, who runs the ER like no other.

Walking back to the table, he hands April a glass. "Thank you." She says, taking it from his hand and watching as he takes a seat next to her.

"Seen anyone you know yet?"

"I think that's Julia Carter over there?" April says, pointing to a woman, talking to a short man by the corner. "And that must be Ben Stevens."

"Haven't seen them in a while."

"And over there, that's Josh Altman." She points out again, this time to a man wearing a dark blue suit, holding a glass with one hand, his phone on the other. "He was the biggest jerk to me during our first year."

"Yeah, I remember him." Jackson says, raising his Martini and taking a sip. "Feels like a life time ago."

"Does, doesn't it?" She agrees. "I don't miss it at all."

"Not even the orange scrubs?" Jackson jobs, making April let out a small laughter.

"They were hideous."

"They really were."

"Oh and there…" April goes on, moving her eyes to a tall woman, with long brown hair, standing next to Josh Altman. "Emily Davis. Remember her too?"

Jackson stops, looks at her from above the glass and slowly puts it down on the table. "I… yeah."

"Didn't you two date for a while?"

"We didn't date." He replies, shaking his head. "She was kinda after me, I wasn't into her."

"Right."

"It's true, April."

"Huh huh." She says, grabbing her own Martini and taking a drink after saying. "I know you _got around_ before me."

"Seriously?" He says, rolling his eyes and leaning forward. "Are you trying to say you made me an honest man?"

She chuckles, feeling his breath closer to her skin. Facing him, April puts the glass down on the table. "You've always been honest, Jackson." She says, in a low, yet firm tone. "If anything, honest is something you've always been. That's why I know you wouldn't lie to me… hide things for me. Right?"

"What do you mean?"

She flicks her eyelashes, trying to keep a straight face, knowing she can't keep dancing around this subject any longer. It's time to lay the cards on the table, to put it all out. Maybe this isn't the best time, the best place, but since it's been brought up, she needs to know if he's being honest to her. "I mean… do you-"

"Avery!"

Jackson feels a tap on his left shoulder, followed by a loud, animated voice coming from behind. They both move their eyes to the person calling. A man, with a wide smile, brown hair and a stylish "Jacob?" Jackson recognizes him instantly, moving his chair back so he can stand up and give him a quick hug. "What's up?"

"I'm great. How about you?"

"I'm… fine. Wow haven't seen you-"

"Like five years or so…"

"Yeah. Yeah." Jackson replies, noticing how April is standing up as well, smiling. "Do you remember-"

"April Kepner." Jacob says, cutting him off and taking her hand for a quick handshake. "How are you?"

"I'm good, thank you." April replies, noticing the puzzled stare in Jackson's face. "Jacob and I met again when I took that trip to Chicago, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"Yeah. She was sent in by Dr. Avery… well, your mother." Jacob tells Jackson, smiling at April, who was awkwardly smiling back. "I'm the head of cardio back in the Avery Hospital in Chicago, so we got time to catch up."

"Oh okay." Jackson nods.

"But tell me about yourself, man!" Jacob goes on, tapping Jackson's arm as he speaks. "I heard you two got a child together. Harriet, right?"

"Yes. Harriet."

"I didn't even know you two got married. When Kepner told me about this… I just." He makes a movement with both hands, touching his temples then opening his arms, as if his mind was blown. "Who would've thought, you two together."

"I guess you just don't plan those things, you know."

"Jackson Avery, married with a kid."

"I'm not- we're not married." April cuts him off, catching Jackson's eyes upon her instantly. "We're divorced."

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"No. No. It's-"

"Life." Jackson says, speaking over April. "Life happened."

Their stares linger for a moment, words lost in translation as they don't dare to speak.

"Well-" Jackson starts, getting cut by April who politely excused herself and told them she'd be right back, picking up her purse and leaving.

"So, tell me, Avery. How are things?"

"Things are fine. I guess you already talked to April. She told you we have a daughter."

Yeah, yeah. She mentioned it."

"Right. Harriet's the best."

"Proud daddy, huh?"

"Yep. How about you?"

"I moved to Chicago after we took our boards. Settled there, met a girl too."

"Nice."

"My son is two." Jacob says, reaching for his pocket and taking out his phone, ready to show Jackson a picture of the little boy. "Oliver."

"Looks like a nice kid."

"He is." Jacob says, keeping the phone. "I don't know what'd do without him. I mean, you forget you had a life before having kids."

"Right." Jackson laughs, agreeing. "Everything changes."

"Exactly."

"So Chicago? The windy city."

"The weather's better than Seattle." Jacob jokes. "Kepner was there, at the hospital. She loved it from what I could tell."

"I don't think we talked about it." She went to Chicago a couple months ago, but when she came back she talked little about it. It was a work related trip, related to the foundation so he didn't insist.

"I think she was very impressed." Jacob goes on. "Actually, she was offered a job."

"Come again?"

"Yes, she was offered a job there, in Chicago. Head of trauma and a possible seat on the board."

"What?" Surprised can't begin to describe how he's feeling. April was offered a job in Chicago and didn't bother to tell him about it.

Suddenly it all made sense, why she's been so quiet and why she wants to move out. And the reason is… Chicago.

…

She moves across the room, smiling at the familiar strangers greeting her along the way. Finding a quiet place by the big windows facing the street outside, she takes a moment.

 _We're divorced_. She hates that word. She hates it that she's not married to Jackson anymore. But not because divorce is some dirty word. Not because no one in her family except her got divorced. No. She hates that word, because she loved too much. And she thought he loved her too. But no. He doesn't. Not anymore.

How did they lose it all?

Coming to this reunion is proving to be a mistake and her phone keeps buzzing inside her clutch without cease. She doesn't want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. She wants to be alone, plan her next move, try to form the words she's so desperate to pronounce and figure everything out. The lessons she has learned, they all apply right now. How could she make things right without getting hurt? Mercy West. Seattle Grace. Grey-Sloan Memorial. Death and pain. Happiness and love. Two edges of the same feeling crushing her under the pressure of copying with the memories she has. The past and the future merge, right here, in this place and she needs to stay and lay it all out, because she's learned she can't keep running anymore.

 _Jackson_. Jackson is the only thing on her mind. She tried to make a home out of him, but every time she tried, someone closed the door and trapped her outside. Every time she tried to climb the staircases that lead to his heart, she found a path to nowhere. And it was like she kept moving in circles around him, her feelings for him, and their relationship. It felt like walking barefoot in long dark hallways that had no destination. How can two people that love each other so deeply not get along, not make it work? How can two people perfectly fit for each other let that feeling disappear and out of thin dust start all over again? Their history is a burden she is willing to carry if he does too. However, it seems like he found a way to escape and there is no turning back now. She needs to move out. Move on. Not living under the same roof as him would make things easier. Not just for her, but for the both of them.

She thought she knew him better than anyone. She thought she knew the deepest secrets of his heart. But she was wrong. Again and again, she was proven to be wrong. The night he left, after they had their fight, he chose to lay his problems on another person's shoulders. She used to be his best friend, his favorite person and now it feels like she doesn't even know where he goes when he needs to go quiet.

 _I love you_. She remembers his voice vividly. _I love you so much_. Words she hasn't heard in a long while, so long it hurts to think about them. Oh how she misses the sound of his voice and the way he touched her hair, looking deeply into her eyes, reading her soul like a magician, making her levitate in the air with the simply touch of his hand. Closing her eyes, she holds her arms together in front of her chest with her hands on her body. _Kiss me_. She reads his lips in her mind, his face burning with desire as he stands above her. The emptiness inside her heart gives space to a fuzzy feeling inside her chest and the room around her feels warmer. As she touches his strong arms, April notices the veins on his neck, his dark skin shining with sweat, his mouth craving her taste. _Wrap your legs around me_. _Pull me in. Pull me in_. He'd demand, the need in his tone echoing inside of her mind. _Faster_. _Faster_. She'd scream, craving her nails on his back, wanting to mash into him and watch them become a whole. It's all part of a memory of when they used to make love. Lord, how she misses making love to him! Feeling him inside of her, thrusting, keeping the rhythm as she reaches heaven. _God_. He'd say, breathing her in, taking her hand and tangling his fingers with hers, as they reach the other side of paradise together. _You are the love of my life_. She'd whisper _. You are the love of my life_. He'd smile, knowing she meant it, and she'd hold his face with both of her cold hands, watching as his blue eyes turned into starts. He'd then close the space between them, touching her lips slowly, kissing her carefully as if she was a fragile flower, too precious, too valuable. Loving her like this was a form of worship too.

In Montana, they didn't make love. No, that was lust written all over the white sheets of his hotel bed. It was irrational, maybe. It shouldn't have happened, maybe. It was a mistake, maybe. But why would she deny herself heaven?

She had her ups and downs, but she always found the strength to pull herself together and this time she would to. No matter what happened, and even though it killed her inside, she'd survive. With or without him. Eventually.

"April?"

His voice sounds distant, but she opens her eyes. She isn't daydreaming anymore. Turning around, she feels the anger in his voice and suddenly the room turns cold again.

"When were you going to tell me you were planning on moving to Chicago?"

...

AN: Hey guys! First of all thank you for all the reviews! Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to me.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did, please leave a review. Your opinions matter :)

Just a reminder that english isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes.

Love, Annie.


	5. bad blood

"When were you going to tell me you were planning on moving to Chicago?"

"Jackson? What?"

"That little trip you took to Chicago a couple months ago… yeah apparently they offered you a job there."

"They… they did, but I-"

"And why didn't you tell me about it?" He asks, stepping closer to her. "Don't you think my opinion would matter? Be a part of the decision of you moving out there with our child?"

"I didn't tell you, because-"

"Oh so you don't deny it. You don't deny that you're planning on moving to Chicago." His voice full of confusion and anger. "April, if you think, for a second, that I'm gonna let you move across the damn country with my child…"

"I would never do that to you. And who said anything about moving to Chicago?"

"Jacob Harris just did. He said you liked the place, it was a good offer, apparently… Head of Cardio, a sit on the board." He gestures and he speaks with one hand on his hipbone. "I knew you must've had some sort of plan when you teamed up with my mother."

"Wait… what?"

"All the sudden interest with the foundation, the decision to go out and visit different hospital, to take a stand and be on my mother's side. Maybe you had your eyes on something else… something bigger."

"What are you insinuating?"

"You know damn well what I'm insinuating."

"Wow. Just wow." She shakes her head, disappointment all over her face. How could he insinuate something like that? "Okay, and what if I did move to Chicago? What would you have to do with my decision?"

"We have a child together. I wouldn't let you move out of state with Harriet."

"Really? 'Cause the last time I checked we're not married. What you want and don't want has nothing to do with me. Not anymore. And yes, if Chicago was the best option for me, right now, I'd move out there and you would have to deal with it. With or without Harriet."

"I guess the court would decide that. Not you."

"Says the man who promised me we wouldn't fight. The man who says he never breaks his promises." She says, with a defiant tone, uncrossing her arms and talking two steps closer to him, moving her face up to look him straight into his eyes. "But then again, the same man who broke the biggest promise he ever made to me."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You can't question my character. Not when you time and time again proved to be-"

"To be what? What, Jackson? Just say it. You're dying to say it. An opportunist? Is that what I am?"

"I never said it."

"You wanted to." She firmly replies. "And for your information I never planned on moving to Chicago. I could never do that, not for you… but for Harriet." The baby girl who deserves having two parents getting along the best they could and be raised full of love.

"Oh of course." He fakes a laugh. "Of course the reason of you not wanting to move to Chicago wouldn't be me. You never had a problem leaving me."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" She shakes her head. "Is this still about Jordan?"

"You know what? In fact, I guess it goes way before that." Jackson replies, tilting his head to the side and squirting his eyes. "When you left, after the boards, after we got together…. You left and you didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye to you."

"I had nothing left in Seattle. It was different, 'cause…"

"Because when you left for Jordan you had me. So yes, it was different back then. You had me. And you still decided to go, twice actually. So don't go around saying that I broke my promise to you when in fact-"

"You did break your promise to me. When we got married, we promised each other we'd love one another and stand together, for better or worse, Jackson, that's a promise you didn't keep."

"Oh my God!" Why do they keep running in circles, talking about the same damn issues and never coming to any conclusions at all?

"You couldn't handle my worse."

"And could you handle mine? I guess you didn't even try, 'cause while you were off to Jordan to take care of yourself, you left me, April. You kept leaving me when I needed you the most." Jackson says, a sense of impatience in his tone. "The two times I needed you, you weren't there for me."

"But the thing that you can't understand is that every time… every single time I came back to you, and that-" She takes a pause. "That should mean something."

"You gave me no choice but to walk away for my own sanity." He goes on. "And we keep having this conversation, fighting about the same damn things, over and over again…"

"Because you can't forget it, you can't move on."

"And you seem to move on just fine, like it meant nothing."

"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare say that Samuel meant nothing, that our wedding meant nothing."

"You sure keep making it seem like it. It's exhausting, April. This is exhausting. Trying to fight so hard over something that probably should've ended a long time ago."

"You probably wish it didn't happen, right?"

"Oh my God!"

"Just say it, Jackson. You wish you never stood up at my wedding, right?" Her voice cracks for a second. "Things would be so much easier for you if you didn't."

"I never said I regret it and I never will."

"But you do!"

"You're being unfair, April, and you know it."

"Am I, though?"

"After everything that has happened, I let you stay in my place. Like you said, I took you in, took care of you and Harriet."

"Over pity, not love." She raises her tone, but lowers her face. "There's always something getting through, but it's not me… it's you."

"Okay-" He turns around to leave, having enough.

"You and your two steps back, always looking for a reason to back off, to question my every move. Why couldn't you accept my apologies and just start over when I came back?" She moves along with him, facing his back as he makes his way out of the room. "Tell me why, Jackson… say it."

"Because all your apologies seemed forced." He stops, turning around and facing her.

"What? I was sorry."

"Not enough sorry, because you went back. You went back twice." He says, lifting two fingers up. "My promises were made, and I kept them, but you didn't. You walked away long before me."

"I didn't walk away. I needed some time to heal, to fix myself and you never forgave me for that."

"You wanna know why? Because you never accepted that you were wrong in the first place, the first time you left."

"I could barely breathe here, Jackson, I told you… I was dying inside. He was gone and I couldn't even bear the thought of having to walk across his nursery every day at the house, or down the same hospital halls I carried him for months only to watch him die in my arms a few minutes after giving birth to him. Do you think it was easy for me to go through that?"

"I know it wasn't, because I went through it too. Actually, no. It was worse than that." He says, lowering his voice and placing one hands on his pants pocket. "After Samuel I could barely keep my shit together, but I did it for you. You were the only hope I had things were going to be okay. And then you left me too. If you felt like you lost him, then just imagine the pain I felt when I had nothing left here for me. Samuel was gone and you were gone and kept waiting and waiting until I was done waiting for you."

"And yet here we are." She says, letting out a deep breath, feeling her heart sink to the floor after his confessions. "When I came back from Jordan I needed you, and you weren't there. Like you said, you walked away and in that moment I lost not only my husband, but my best friend, the only person on this earth I cared the most about, the first man I have ever loved. You were gone. Done. Just like that. We were over and you didn't even give me a chance to prove you I was still there for you. Not until Montana."

"Montana?"

"Yes, Montana, Jackson… and you didn't even want me there in the first place. But I was there for you, like I would. Like I will always be if you just let me." April says, the spark in her eyes easily confused with the tears hiding behind them. "Because I love you, because every time I came back to you I decided to leave the past behind, to start something new. Just like I did when we got together in Montana and the days after that, when we shared the bed and I could feel you close to me, when I could feel your love."

"Well, sometimes love isn't enough."

She feels a punch in her stomach. "Maybe it isn't when you start to have feelings for another woman."

"What?"

"I saw it. The way you looked at her… the same way you used to look at me."

"What the hell are you talking about, April?"

"Don't deny it, Jackson." She's the one who starts walking away this time around, moving past in front of him, through the tables full of people. "I guess I should've known, I mean… you two started spending a lot of time together, you stopped sneaking into my bedroom at night. I guess…"

"I seriously have no idea what you're talking about."

"You've always been a bad liar, Jackson."

"Wait."

"Let me go." She says, when she feels his hand grab her left arm, making her turn around and face his puzzled face. "People are starting to stare."

"Let them." For once in his life, he doesn't care about what people think about him. "What woman?"

"Maggie." Her name comes as a dry word out of April's mouth. "And don't act like I'm seeing things, because I know-"

"Know what? That Maggie and I are friends."

"You and I were just friends." She says, not thinking at all about her words and its consequences. "Is that your modus operando?"

"You know what- forget it. I'm through with this, I'm done." He lets her go, dropping her arm as he marches in front of her, feeling people's stares on him.

"No, no, you're not. 'Cause if we're really ending, then I need to know the reasons why. The real reasons why." April says, chasing him across the room, trying to say his name and catch his attention, with the soft music playing on the background. "Jackson, Jackson… wait!"

"You're… insane, April!" He finally stops when he leaves the room behind, coming into the lobby and pressing the elevator button.

"So it's true."

"What?"

"You're not denying it." She confronts him. "Why are you hiding it? Like you said, we're not married anymore and I accept the fact that I was nothing but a release to you, sex was nothing but a release to you."

"Will you keep it down!" He says, with his back to her.

"It's not cheating, you know. You're not cheating on me."

"No, I'm not cheating on you!" Jackson moves on his feet, closes the space between them and goes on. "Wanna know why? Because that's not something I do. I don't cheat."

"But Maggie-"

"Will you listen to yourself?" He says, raising his tone, wishing she'd come to her senses. "Maggie's my sister."

"Not really, though."

"Stop! JUST STOP! God, April! So you get to have your friends, you get to go to Jordan and come back with friends and hang out with Tinder dates and all that crap and I can't even speak to Pierce without losing your goddamn mind?" He says, as the elevator doors open and he steps inside, alone. Quickly turning around, he gives her one last look. "You've insulted me in every possible way tonight. Everything is just… ruined."

As the elevator doors close before her eyes, she raises one hand to cover her mouth. She doesn't know if she's acting jealous or just completely insane. Maybe a little bit of both.

She feels her phone buzz inside her black clutch. Reaching for it, she carelessly answers the call, completely lost in her thoughts and emotions.

"April, thank God I finally reached you!" Maggie's voice come on the other side of the line, making April stop and stare at her phone, looking at the caller ID, unsure if she would be brave enough to hang up. "I need to talk to you. I think you got it all wrong." April places the phone back on her ear, gulping as she feels her throat dry completely. "I think you believe Jackson and I… that he has feelings for me, but he doesn't, April. You're mistaken." She listens, placing one free hand on the wall, by the elevator door, trying to catch her ground and her breath. "He loves you. He's always been in love with you. What you think you saw the night of the fire…" Maggie says. "It's nothing."

"He didn't deny it." April says, in a weak tone.

"So you two talked." Maggie goes on. "He came here the other night, after you got into a fight. He's too proud to ever say it loud out to anyone but you, but he loves you. He loves you, April."

"How do you know that, then?"

"His eyes lit up when I mentioned you." She tells April. "His eyes, they can't tell lies. And they shine… just for you."


	6. speak now

After the elevators door close, Jackson presses ground floor and waits impatiently to reach the downstairs floor. He feels his veins pop with anger, disappointment and disbelief. How could she say all the things she just said to him? Say he is a man who didn't keep his promise to her? Insinuate he only used her for sex? Dismiss all their history together just like that? How could she insinuate that he could start having feelings for Maggie?

Sure, he started to spend more time with her, but it wasn't like that. First, her mother died and he was there, as a doctor and friend, to help her cope with that. Losing a parent can't be easy and he was the one who followed her mother's case. There was nothing between them but friendship and while things with April weren't what they used to be, of course he didn't want to start a relationship with anyone else. Even less with someone he considered a sister.

The night April and he got into an argument, he only appeared by Maggie's front door because he was feeling down, and lost, it was raining and he didn't want to go back home just yet afraid the argument might start up again. He felt like he and April both needed time and space to let things die down. Maybe April misinterpreted the whole situation, but the truth was he went over to Maggie's and sat there for about thirty minutes, quiet as she tried to take a word out of him, unsuccessfully. He knew Maggie eventually figured it out, because she started to mention April and only then he found the courage to go back home. He remembers that night, and how he regrets ever leaving after the fight, how he wanted to clear things up with her after he went home, but she was already asleep and he didn't want to disturb her.

Now, it seems like they keep running in circles, always fighting, always bringing back memories that live like ghosts on the back of his mind.

The elevator doors finally open and Jackson makes his way through the hotel's lobby, to the front door. He asks the valet for his car and waits, again, watching as the rain outside starts to come down. This night wasn't supposed to end like this. All he wanted was to see old friends, drink, have a laugh with people whose names he barely remembered and reminisce about the life he used to have. But what was the point anyways? He isn't the same guy he used to be. In fact, he felt much older than his actual age. Everything that happened, from the wedding, to Samuel, to the divorce and everything after that aged him like crazy, mentally, and in maturity. Sure, he missed his life back then, how easier is was, how his heart felt less pain, how his soul was less hurt. But there's no point in thinking about it now, because he doesn't regret a single thing he's been through. And the reason he doesn't have any regrets is April… because he has lived everything with her by his side.

 _By his side._

He accused her of leaving when he needed her the most. And that was partly true. As much as she needed healing, he needed some comfort too. So, having his wife go to warzone not only once, but twice, cut him to the bone, killed him inside. It was like she had left him to deal with the pieces of a broken vessel, having to catch them off the floor, trying to put them back together alone and dealing with the cuts and the wounds the fall had given him. Those years nearly killed him, so he just buried himself in work and decided to wait, because nothing heals like time. However, time didn't bring him any peace and he only found himself wishing she was home. But April leaving to Jordan was only a chapter in their story. A story that, like many, as ups and downs, but one that is worth the reading. And, in that story, he can count the chapter in which she stayed and had his back. Like the time he lost his friends during the shooting at the Hospital and she became his rock during those times. Or the time he doubted his capabilities as a doctor, when Tatiana needed yet another surgery and he didn't know if he was going to pull through, but he did and she was there to reassure him he would. Or the time he was afraid of becoming a father, because he didn't really have one and she hugged him and told him he was going to be the best dad despite it all. Or even the last time she had his back and stayed and supported him, in Montana, during surgery and when he needed to deal with his own daddy issues. April Kepner was not only his best friend, she was his biggest rock, someone who would always come back to him, say things that would calm him down and tell him that everything would eventually be alright.

 _And she still is._

In that moments, as he waits for his car to be dropped off, with his hands on his pockets, momentarily aware of the heavy rain and his surroundings, Jackson feels a deep pain in his chest, as panic starts to take over. This was one of the biggest fights they had ever had and he wasn't ready to let her go yet again. He just wants to tell her that he is wrong, that she can't move Chicago, that she isn't insane, that she's his best friend and that he still needs her. So, without waiting another second, he takes his hands off his pockets and moves on his feet, running back towards the inside of the hotel.

As he reaches the floor where he left her a few minutes ago, Jackson looks around trying to spot April, but she's nowhere to be found. He walks into the room, where people are now starting to find their seats, turns his head to the left, sees the table where they were supposed to be sitting right now, but of course she isn't there either. He wonders if it's useful to ask someone if they have seen her, but he figures it's practically useless, considering he knows April well enough to know she wasn't go back to the party like nothing had happened after their argument. So, he walks back to the elevator and presses the button to go back down. At the lobby, he looks around but her familiar face isn't in sight. As he wonders where she must be, all he sees through the big glass windows is a red headed woman, hoping into a yellow taxi. He runs to the door, bumping into an older man on his way and quickly apologizing before stepping outside. "April!" He shouts, but it's too late. The woman closes the door and the taxi leaves before he has any chance to say anything at all.

The drive home is long and painful. The rain that still falls isn't helping the traffic on the busy Friday night's city life. He's worried about her or if she's going home at all. Hell, he's not even sure April was in that cab, but the least he could do was follow her home. The only thing he knows is that he needs to talk to her and apologize for acting the way he did.

As he pulls along into the driveway, he makes a quick run to the front door, with the rain falling on him, making his black suit wet. Pulling the key on the lock, he notices how the door is already unlocked, and he feels at least a little bit relieved to know that April's home. "April?" He calls her name the second he opens the door. Even though the living room lights are on, she's nowhere to be found yet again. The house feels quiet, almost too cold for comfort.

Jackson walks through the living room, noticing her clutch on the couch. "April?" He calls her again, with no answer.

He reaches her bedroom door, pauses, takes a deep breath and places his hand on the doorknob. "April? You there?" Jackson asks, knocking on the door three times. "Can we talk?" As he suspects the door seems locked, but he makes no effort at all to open it. "April?"

"I'll talk to you in the morning, Jackson." Her muffled voice comes from the other side of the door after a few long seconds.

"Look." He starts, feeling a knot on his throat. "I know I said a lot of things tonight. We both did. But-" He takes his hand off the doorknob, accepting that she needs some space. "I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Jackson says, pressing the palms of his hands against the wooden door, tilting his head down and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry for what I said, for calling you _insane_ , for… raising my voice. I didn't meant to do it. It just… I felt so…" The knot on his throat barely lets him use his words to express how he feels and he's surely not a man who can express his feelings well when it came to using words. "The thought of you moving to Chicago made me so… sad." He confesses, knowing his sadness translated into anger when in fact he simply felt lost for a moment. "The thought of you moving away, from me, again… it just… it drove me crazy. And I know I shouldn't feel that way, I know that I have no right to feel that way, because…" Because he was the one who pushed for the divorce, the one who made her sign those papers when she least wanted to, the one who choose to put an ending to their marriage. "Because I can't ask you to stay, I have no right to do that, not anymore. We're not married anymore. But I thought we were fine… happy. I thought we could do this together, you know. Live together and co-parent and eventually figure things out, with time. Because it seems like we never do things with time, we're always rushing somehow. I wanted to give us time. And I know I sound selfish, but the thought of you leaving…" He stops, thinking about the things he wants to say out loud, but can't. "I know I should've asked you first about it before coming at you, but-" But he looked like an idiot and their lack of communication is something they definitely need to work on. "I was driving on the car back home just now." Jackson says, with his throat completely dry. "And I was so scared of not finding you home. But you're here! I'm so glad you're here. I know you don't want to talk to me right, I'll respect that. But if we could just talk, just _talk_. Maybe tomorrow, I don't know…" It's like he can feel her presence on the other side of the door and he knows she's listening, but he's not trying to play her anymore. He simply wants to have an honest and fair conversation with her. "As for Maggie, I don't know what you think you saw, but I don't have feelings for her. She's like a sister to me. Her mother passed away and I was her doctor, so I felt like it was my duty to be there for her. I'm sorry if somehow I made it seem like there was anything more than that. But April-" He goes on, shaking his head as he speaks. "I know things have been tough for us the past couple years and even though things might never be the same I'm tired of us fighting. I just- I miss you." Jackson takes another pause, waiting to hear her voice, something, anything, but nothing. The only thing breaking the silence is the rain, hitting hard against the windows outside. "I really miss you." He takes a step back, surprised, when he feels the door open in front of him. April makes an appearance, her eyes red from all the tears threatening to fall down her rosy cheeks.

"You say you miss me, but you don't let it show. You don't look for me, you don't reach out." She says, with her voice cracking up. "It's like you built this wall around you and you don't let anyone come closer. And I'm really trying to put this wall down, make a way for me to get back in, but it's hard." April says, holding the door and leaning into it. For a moment, she drops her eyes to the floor. "It's hard for me, because I know I'm part of the reason why." She raises her stare back to him, watching his puzzled face. "I left you here when you needed me and I shouldn't have, I know that now. I never realized how much I'd be hurting you while trying to fix myself." April understood now the source of it all. She guessed his father leaving him as an infant made quite the scar. He never talked about it or even mentioned his father's name, but after visiting Montana with him it all seemed to make sense, to fall into place. "When Samuel died, I piece of my heart died with him, my heart was broken and I didn't realize yours could break too."

She manages to let go of the door she's been holding on to, takes one step towards him and with tears in her eyes, she lets the words fly out of her mouth. Words she's been wanting to say for the longest time, but never really found the courage to. "I'm sorry, Jackson. For ever leaving you, for hurting you like that. I never meant to."

"April…"

"No, just please… listen." She says, closing the space between them. "I'm sorry for everything. For not being here for you. I'm sorry." April lets out a deep breath, cleaning her nose with the back of her hand and moving her watery eyes to the floor once again. "But you could've said something. You could've told me to come back home, be with you. You never opened up about your feelings to me. You never let me know how hard it was for you. You've always been stronger, I guessed you were handling it just fine. I can see now that you weren't, obviously. I'm sorry for not reading the signs." She notices how he's fighting hard to hold back his tears. "I came back from Jordan for you. I could've stayed in there, but I had to come back to Seattle for you. Because I loved you too much to just give it all up, even though the easiest fix would've been to stay there. But I came back, because I wanted to fight for us. But you were so set on divorcing me you never really gave it a chance. That's why we failed. But I understand your reasons. I do." April watches as his body language speak volumes, how he slowly moves his eyes to the floor, how he places his hands inside his pockets and his neck seems buried inside the collar of his shirt. "I just ask you understand mine."

He raises his stare and bites his lower lip as he tries to form a line of thought. For the first time, as he wished, they're having a conversation without arguing. However, as he looks back at all the things he wished he could've said, he can't really say a word. Instead, he chooses to look at the woman standing in front of him, her small frame showing him all her strength and all her vulnerability at once. Carefully taking his hands off his pockets, her moves in her direction. The tension around them building up. She sighs when she feels his hands touch the sides of her arms, as they both look at each other with their eyes full of tears, but neither of them cracking just yet. "I-" Jackson starts, taking a second to clear his voice. "I just want to go back to where we were, to how we used to be. I want my best friend back, because I miss her."

She nods and gives him a small smile. "I miss my best friend too." April says, falling into his arms as they both share a hug. "I'm so sorry for everything." She goes on, placing her arms around his neck and pulling him in as his arms make their way to her back.

"I'm sorry too." He tells her, holding on to her closer when Jackson feels her body tremble as she start to cry. Every emotion running high. Every word gaining a different meaning. A whole new world of possibilities opening up to them now that the healing is possible. True love never dies and theirs… theirs is as alive as ever.

…

"Thanks." April says, accepting the cup of hot tea Jackson brought from the kitchen. They're sitting on the coach now and they've spent the past three hours simply speaking, saying everything that needs to be said, clearing the path to whatever is to come. Leaving things unsaid had always been one of their biggest issues, one she regrets the most. So, now, she's glad they've both decided to sit down and have a talk, even if it meant staying up all night, talking about the past. "Jackson-" She starts, holding the warm mug in her hands, while waiting for him to take a seat next to her. "Why didn't you tell me to come back while I was in Jordan?"

He looks at her, curled up in the couch, with her legs under her body. She's still wearing the black strapless dress she took to the reunion party they never really got to attend, and while he thinks she looks as good as ever, her curly hair is now tied up in a ponytail and her mascara a bit off from all the crying. "I don't know. I guess... I guess I wanted you to… _want_ to come back." Jackson replies, being completely honest. He wanted her to need him, somehow, but it seemed like she never did.

"You could've asked. You could've said something." April goes on. "You don't always have to be the strong one, you know?"

"I tried to go, with you, to Jordan." He tells her, noticing the surprised look on her face. "I missed the flight. But-"

"You tried to come to Jordan with me?" She asks and he nods again. "You never said anything. You never told me that."

"I felt… embarrassed and frustrated."

"You could've taken the next flight."

"I know. I know. I just… I gave up on that idea and didn't pick up the courage again." He replies, in all honesty. "I'm sorry I never told you any of this."

Silence fills the room again as April drinks her tea quickly and processes that last piece of information. Even though she needed space back then to recollect her thoughts and pick herself up from the floor Samuel's death left her in, she wished Jackson went through with the trip to Jordan. His presence there with her would've been another reason to make her get out of bed and get through the day. The year Samuel died was the most difficult time in her life. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Not even God and His plans for her. For some time even she was angry at Him, she felt lost and abandoned by Him. She stopped praying and reading the Bible. She stopped going to church or even listening to her favorite Christian singers. Eventually, she found her way back to Him, and being in warzone puts things in perspective. And even though it made no sense, she chose to believe Samuel's death had a deeper meaning and that there was a reason for it all. "Do you ever think about him now?"

"About Samuel?"

"Yes."

"All the time." Jackson replies. "Every time I'm with Harriet, I think about him."

"He would've loved being a big brother."

"Yeah. I'd like to think so too."

"Sometimes I try to picture him. With your eyes and dark hair." April says, after taking another sip from her drink. "You, teaching him how to shoot hoops in the backyard."

"Yeah… taking him to the park. To the waffle place downtown."

"Waffles after church?" Her smile radiates with the thought and Jackson nods. "A man who never breaks his promises, huh?"

"Never!" Jackson continues, with a melancholic smile on his face. "Plus, we'd be shoe twinning all the time!"

"Of course!" April says, rolling her eyes, with a laugh. But then, her smile slowly fade away. "He would be three."

Jackson looks at her, feeling his mouth suddenly dry and a real need to hold on to her. So, taking the mug from her hand and placing it on the coffee table in front of them, he places one arm around her shoulders and she leans her head close to his face. They stay in that position for a long few minutes, being each other's rock. "Harriet will know about him." Jackson says, lowering the tone of his voice.

April nods, snuggles into him and simply says. "Yes. Yes, she will."

"I'm sure he's in a better place now. He's not hurting anymore."

"I wish I could've hold him longer."

"He knows how much his mom loves him. You made sure he did, remember?" Jackson says, starting to touch her head, comforting her, before placing one tender kiss on her temple.

"Jackson, I want to thank you. I never got to thank you." She says, raising her head and making eye contact with him. "If it weren't for you that night…"

"Hey, hey, hey." He shakes his head, watching as her eyes fill up with tears again, and reaching for her hand on her lap, he takes it on his. "Don't cry. Okay? I don't want to see you cry." She nods, hopelessly. "Plus, we've got Harriet."

"She's our miracle." April says, taking a deep breath in between a sob.

"She is. And Samuel… he's looking down on her, okay?" He's not a religious guy at all, but in moments like this, he makes her faith a priority, something to give her comfort.

"He is." April says, dropping her head to his shoulder and letting some tears fall down her face. The thought of being a mother of two, but only being able to hold one of her children is more painful than death itself and thinking about Samuel still kills her a little bit inside every time. "You're such a good dad, Jackson. Harriet loves you so much."

He touches the back of her head with his free hand, softly caressing her red hair as she cries into his arms. "I love her so much too." Jackson says, barely able to control his own tears. That little girl brought him back to life when he least expected it. Words weren't enough to explain how much he adored his daughter. She had him in the palm of his hand the moment she took her first breath and that was the way things were going to be for the rest of his life.

"She's so lucky to have you."

"April. Hey, look at me." He retorts, making her look back at him as he grabs her face with both hands and carefully wipes the tears rolling down her cheeks with his thumbs. "You're an amazing mother, okay? And I couldn't be prouder that my daughter has such an example to live by."

She gives him a shy smile and takes a deep breath. "Promise me something, Jackson."

"What?"

"Promise me we will do anything in our power not to fight anymore. Promise me we will talk, like we did tonight… Promise me that this was the last time… the last time we let our miscommunication get in the way."

"I promise."

"Thank you." She says, knowing he means it by the way his eyes speak to her. She feels their light contrast with the darkness of his skin, somehow darker with the dim light of the living room they're in. Their stares hold on to each other for a moment and their faces start to move in the same direction. They haven't kissed in so long and April feels an urgent need to feel his lips. But before she closes her eyes, she knows it's not the time. So, she quickly stops, moves one hand to her hair and breaks contact. "It's almost 4 in the morning. We should probably…"

"Yes, we should." Jackson retorts, letting April go before she quickly rises to her feet and waits for him to stand him.

"I told Arizona we'd go and pick Harriet up at 8. We should probably get some sleep. I'm feeling exhausted."

"I'm sorry about the reunion." Jackson says, following her down the living room, only stopping to turn down the lights.

"It's okay. I feel like we needed this." April says, walking barefoot along the corridor that leads to her bedroom. "We needed to speak."

"Yes, we did." Jackson says, stopping by her door and watching as she turned on the light inside. "Hey, April… wait…"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For tonight." He goes on, reaching with one hand the back of his neck and slightly tilting his head to the side.

"Goodnight, Jackson." She says, getting closer to him and on the tip of her toes to place one kiss on his cheek before turning her back to him and finally closing the door, knowing she wouldn't be getting any sleep at all.


	7. you belong with me

7.02 am.

It's 7.02 am and she no longer can stay in bed. So, pulling down the covers, April sits on the bed, with her back against the headboard. Closing her eyes for a second, she takes a minute to find the energy to step outside. The uncertainty of what she was going to find on the other side of the door was enough to keep her awake during the night. But she and Jackson talked, and talked… and talked. She isn't sure things were clear now, or even if they would get better. The only thing she left with the night before was with a promise. A promise she was willing to keep for once. No more fighting and no more doubting. They needed to open up more often to each other and talk about things, life and their feelings like they once did. Placing both feet on the floor, and finding her soft robe on the way, she walks towards the window. The early morning brought in a little rain, but she could tell the dark clouds in the sky would disappear sooner than later. As people say, after the storm, comes the rainbow… right?!

As she looks at their small backyard from her bedroom window, she takes a moment to picture their future together. Harriet, running around with her friends, having summer pajama parties, birthdays or even celebrating 4th of Julys, with Jackson by the grill, helping cook dinner. She could see how a trampoline would fit in the corner, or maybe a set of swings. Harriet would love it when she got a little older! She could help mom grow a little garden, just enough to remind her she's a Kepner too, a farm girl by heart. April imagined how fun it would be to have Harriet in rain boots, gardening by her side, while Jackson tried to join in but falling miserably, like the true city boy that he is… and would all laugh. Laughter always filled their home, and warmth, and joy, and the memory of Samuel would be a happy one, because Harriet would know she has a big brother in heaven watching over her. Smiling, April walks away from the window and makes plans to go into the kitchen. Coffee! After last night's lack of sleep, only the Lord knows how much she needed coffee.

7.05 am. He splashes some water across his face. Finding a towel by the sink, he places it against his cheeks. Then, staring at the mirror, he finds his blue eyes staring back at him. He spent the night tossing and turning in bed, thinking about April and how he much he wanted to keep talking to her. It's been too long since they had a real conversation, like two adults friends, resolving the problems of the past and putting it all in the back. There's a sense of relief in the air and he can't wait to see her now that he knows there's a new day ahead and the possibilities are endless when it comes to them. Not all is forgotten, but somehow he found the space and time he needed to forgive. Healing started the moment they both sat down and decided to have a conversation, laying it all down. He wasn't a saint and she wasn't the only sinner here. They both made mistakes, but it was time to move on now. As he washed his face, Jackson wondered if it was worth giving therapy another shot. Maybe not, but it was a possibility he shouldn't discard right away like the last time. Perhaps they could heal from the inside out without help, who knew?!

As Jackson walks down the hall, he notices how April's bedroom door is open. He takes a second to hold the door and take a peek inside. Her bed was empty with all the covers down; on the nightstand her phone was quietly sitting, the opposite of the night before, when Maggie tried to reach her at all costs; there was picture of April and Harriet smiling next to a book he could it was the bible. However, there was something else that caught his eye. Standing on top of her bible, a sparkly ring was placed. It was a ring he knew too well. Her engagement ring.

7.18 am. She opens the kitchens backdoor, the one that led to the small porch outside. Finding a dry place to sit, by the step, April held a white mug in between her hands. The morning is a bit chilly, but she didn't mind getting the fresh crispy air.

Jackson still has feelings for her, April knows it now. So, it's time to fight. She isn't letting this love go to waste and hate herself for the rest of her life for not giving it another shot. Call her crazy, maybe she is… but who isn't crazy when it comes to love?! How did things change so much too? Only a few years ago, she could only dream she'd be a surgeon, with a family and all… yet here she is, divorced, yet in love with her ex-husband, the father of her children, the love of her life. Time goes by so fast, why waste it? As she thinks about it, she regrets spending so much time on things that never really mattered. But it's not good to be stuck in the memories and the wishes of how differently things could've been if only…

Even though it's still early, she probably needs to hurry because she needs to pick up Harriet from Arizona's. Luckily, it was Saturday and she was off work, which meant she had no other plans other than to snuggle with her baby girl.

"Hey."

April quickly turns her face when she hears his deep voice coming from behind her. "Hey." She smiles, watching as he leans on the door, with both hands on his pajama pockets. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah." He lied, before quickly shaking his head and changing his mind. "I mean, no… I barely got any sleep. You?"

"Same." April replies, noticing as his eyes never leave hers. "Coffee?" She offers, holding her mug in front of her.

"No, thanks." Jackson says, not as hungry as he thought he was. "Mind if I join you?" April shakes her head no, and he takes a few steps before sitting next to her. She sips her drink quietly and they sit in silence for a few more minutes, just enjoying each other's company, unsure of what to say.

"I think we need to work on the garden." Jackson finally says, breaking the silence. "I mean, a set of swigs over there would look nice for Harriet." He says, pointing out.

"I was just thinking the same." She looks at him with a smile. "Maybe this spring we could work on that project."

"One project at the time, right?"

She nods. "You think…" April starts, before stopping to clear her throat. "You think Harriet will ask about us?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you think she will want to know how we met, how we starting dating, got married, how she was born... you know, all that?"

"I think so." Jackson replied, looking straight, without blinking. "It's gonna be one heck of a story, but yeah…"

"Do you know what you're gonna say to her when the time comes?"

"I'm not sure. You?"

"I'll tell her that I met her father on a rainy day, on my first day as an intern. We were both wearing these dreadful orange scrubs, but he still managed to look as handsome as ever." She starts, putting the mug with her coffee down as she continued speaking. "I'll tell her that I fell in love with him slowly, like… like when you get in a rollercoaster and it starts driving out slowly, but then you start feeling it go faster and faster and you hold on tight until it suddenly drops and you just let your hands go up in the air, and your stomach feels funny, like a million butterflies decide to live inside of you, and you feel alive and happy and scared all at once. But it's worth it, the ride is so worth it even though you're scared and have no idea if you're ever getting out." April licks her lips, placing her hands on the floor, on each side of her, before moving her eyes to his. "I'll tell that was head over heels in love with him and that he was the proudest man I've ever met. Yet, the kindest, the most respectful, most honest. I'll tell her that I dreamed about becoming his wife many time before I actually did. That we got married on a sunny day, how he kissed my lips and put a ring on my finger and told me he was going to love me forever. I will tell her that I believed in him with every little part of me, because he's a man that keeps his promises. I will tell her that in that moment I knew that our love was forever. And when she gets a little bit older, I will tell her that even though life got in the way, I still believe our love could last forever. She's proof of it. I will tell Harriet how she saved my life and her father's too. I will tell her how wanted she was. She was so desired, so loved. I will tell that she's a fighter, just like her parents were." April paused, with a spark in her eyes as tears formed behind them. "And I hope she sees, in us, what true love is. I will tell her that I regret many things in my life, but I will never regret marrying her father. Forever is forever."

"Is it possible we're meant to be?" Jackson's question sounds like an affirmation. Gasping for air after hearing all her words, he fights his own tears. "Is it possible you're… _it_ for me? Forever?"

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"I think…" He pauses, searches for her hand and takes it on his. "I think the rollercoaster hasn't stopped yet. I don't think it's possible to get out even if you want to, I mean… when we're meant to be…" April stares at the way his fingers slowly play with hers and how perfectly the palms of their hands fit. "The ride isn't perfect, but when you love someone you just don't quit, right?"

She looks up when his words come out. You don't just stop, you don't just quit. She knows it by heart. Then, all of a sudden, she feels somehow a sharp object in the palm of her hand. "I found this in your bedroom. I know I shouldn't be sneaking around, but-" Jackson starts, with a low tone. "It's something I got for you a long time ago. Something you wore proudly on your finger. Something I took joy watching you carry. It's still yours. Forever."

As she lowers her eyes, April sees her old diamond engagement ring. "What does this mean?" She asks, confused.

"Forever." He tells her and she smiles. He's always been a man of few words and big actions.

 _Forever_.

…

 _5 years later_

Little Harriet, now 5 and a half, loves playing in the backyard and gardening with her mother, especially in the spring, when the birds start singing and the days get a little bit longer and the rain gives its place to the sun. With her bright pink rain boots on, she walks like she's the princess and that's her backyard is a magical kingdom. Jackson, on the other hand, hates the mud, he hates the worms, he hates getting his hands dirty, but he loves his daughter. Gardening isn't his favorite hobby, but it watching as Harriet gets curious about plants and the animals and everything else in between makes him a proud father.

"Daddy! Come, come…" She waves from across the grass. Jackson doesn't take a second thought and abides. "Come see. We've got baby tomatoes. Mommy says we have to take real good care of 'em."

"I see that." Jackson says as he approaches his daughter and takes a knee to be by her eye level. April's currently at the hospital, working. They managed to rebuild their relationship slowly, on stronger foundations where there was room for communication.

"Now you have something new to tell mommy when she gets home."

"I will tell her how I watered the flowers and the cucumbers and the tomatoes and how you helped me put on my boots and come play."

"That's right. But you know what? It's time now."

"Now?" She says, in a bored tone.

"C'mon kiddo, bath time."

"No, wait! Mommy always lets me play for five more minutes."

"I did too. Your time is up, missy!"

"But daddy, look..." Harriet says, placing both of her dirty hand on each side of his face. "Five more minutes and then I go inside."

"You can play some more tomorrow." He replies, not minding at all her tiny little dirty hands on him.

"Tomorrow is Sunday. We got church."

"Church doesn't last all day."

Harriet rolls her eyes and knows she can't win this time. Defeated, she shrugs. "Fine."

"C'mon, baby. Bath time, then dinner, then bed time story, then sleep. Deal?"

"Okay. Harriet replies. "But this time I pick the bed time story."

"You always get to pick one of your books."

"I know, daddy… but this time I want a different story."

"What is it?" Jackson asks, getting up and holding his daughter's hand as they walk side by side.

"I want the story about how you met my mommy?"

"Really?" Harriet nods, as her big hazel eyes look up at him, begging for a fairy tale. "Well, I met your mother on a rainy day, on our first day as interns in the hospital. We were both wearing these awful orange scrubs, but she looked as adorable as ever…"


End file.
